Beautiful Stranger
by JetKnobWillDoza
Summary: *UpDaTeD! 4/20* Bartleby and Tzipora meet up and fall in love. Only the Last Scion and her gang stand in their way...
1. Introduction

Beautiful Stranger  
  
AN: Sadly, I do not own Bartleby, Bethany, or any other character from Dogma. All  
that cool stuff belongs to Kevin Smith.  
  
ChApTeR 1  
  
Tzipora was bored. She had lived here her entire life and had always felt bored. There  
was nothing to do here, except go down to the boardwalk and play skeeball. La-de-  
freakin'-da. Skeeball got old really fast. She had tried to relieve her boredom there today,  
but the arcade was closed. Now she wandered the mostly deserted boardwalk, hands in  
her pockets, long brown hair whipping freely in the wind. She sighed deeply, glancing at  
the ocean. Boring. 'Jersey blows,' she thought to herself.  
  
She continued to walk about town, looking for something, anything to do. Not watching  
where she was going, as she crossed a street she bumped into a person roughly, and she   
fell down. "Oh, my God, I'm so sorry," she apologized, accepting the helping hand, which  
pulled her up off the street. Looking up to connect a hand with a face, she stared into the  
dark brown eyes of a man who appeared to be about twenty-six, twenty-seven years old.  
He was crossing the street with another man, about the same age, with messy blonde hair   
and blue eyes. The two looked like they were in a hurry to get somewhere, and she was   
afraid she had annoyed them. Tzipora liked to keep to herself most of the time, and wasn't   
that good at dealing with new people. She felt more relaxed when the brown-eyed, brown-  
haired man smiled a dazzling smile. She stood facing him now, and couldn't help but smile   
herself. His was infectious. "Hi, and thanks. My name's Tzipora," she greeted him, holding out  
a hand.  
  
"I'm Bartleby, and this is my friend Loki. Nice to meet you Tzipora," he said, shaking her hand.   
She was literally hypnotized by those dark brown eyes of his. So deep, so...dramatic. So full of   
pain. "You look bored. Wanna hang with us today?"  
  
Tzipora thought it a little strange that the men she had just met were offering to try and brighten  
her day, but she happily accepted his invitation. For some reason, she felt she would be safe  
with these two. And the one called Bartleby...oh yeah, he was a hottie. Almost unconsciously, she  
slipped her small hand into his, and they again smiled at each other. The one called Loki rolled his  
eyes. "Come on, B, we gotta get to church. You know they're holding that big ceremony in about   
ten minutes."  
  
"You guys are going to that? I'm not much of a church person, but I guess I could go with you,"  
Tzipora said, snuggling closer to Bartleby, who then put his arm about her shoulders. "Are you  
just going to be there, or do you have something to do?"  
  
"We have something very important to do," Bartleby told her, as they rounded a street corner. "After  
the ceremony, we're going home, Loki and me."   
  
"Coolness. Where do you guys live?" she asked, sad that this really fine guy was going away.   
  
"Up...north," Loki answered, chuckling slightly. Bartleby gently slapped the back of his friend's head.  
  
"He still thinks that's funny, that we live in Canada," he lied. The three continued talking as they grew  
nearer to the church. Tzipora could see a large crowd flowing into the street. "Lots of people here,"  
Bartleby mused. "Uh, Tzipora, it'd probably be best if you stayed out here for a coupla minutes. Loki  
and I have some 'business' to attend to," he said, releasing her, planting a soft kiss on her lips. "We'll  
be back soon."  
  
"Okay, then. I'll just sit here, bored, waiting forever, 'cuz whenever a guy says it'll just take a few minutes,  
it turns into a few hours..." she ranted, plopping down next to tree. Suddenly, free of Bartleby's spell,  
she realized what had happened. 'First I held his hand, then he put his arm around me, and just now he  
kissed me. Omigod. What if this guy is a rapist?' But deep down, she knew he wasn't. Loki and Bartleby  
weren't bad guys. They were tired, a little angry, a little scared, she sensed, but not out to really hurt  
anyone. She heard Bartleby's voice from a distance, and he was shouting. "Oh, Lord," she sighed. He wasn't  
a little angry, he was furious. And he had seemed so cool, so calm, so collected moments ago. She pulled  
out a stick of gum and started chewing.  
  
Suddenly, a man appeared in front of her. Out of thin air. She gasped, almost choking on her gum. The  
man also had brown hair and eyes, but he was nowhere near as hot as Bartleby. As a matter of fact, he  
was kind of old. "Behold, the Metatron, the voice of the one true God," he proclaimed.  
  
"Yuh-huh," Tzipora nodded. This guy was nuts, even though it seemed kind of mysterious how he   
just came out of nowhere.   
  
"Stay away from Bartleby. Trust me on this. Him and Loki are bad news."  
  
"Listen, psycho, I am twenty years old. I hang with who I want, when I want, and no Meta-whatever  
is gonna tell me what to do." Tzipora folded her arms across her chest.   
  
Metatron sighed deeply. "Fine, don't believe me. Jesus, you're as bad as the Last Scion. Come over here,  
Zippy. I want you to see something." Tzipora shook her head, but got up and walked over to him  
anyway. She was in an unusually trusting mood today. Metatron took her hand and immediately she  
was immersed in a world of darkness. 


	2. Flight

AN: I once again state I do not own any of Kevin Smith's characters. Wish do, but not.  
  
ChApTeR 2  
  
Tzipora panicked. Where was she? What was going on? She couldn't feel her body. She  
couldn't see, she couldn't move. Something was horribly wrong.  
  
"Relax, I'm here with you," she heard Metatron's accented voice say somewhere near her.  
"You notice this realm around, this nothingness, this emptiness? This is where all the souls  
on Earth will go if Bartleby and Loki finish what they've started. Those two are angels that  
were banished from Heaven, and if they get back in they'll destroy existence. Except peoples'  
souls. A soul never dies. If those two succeed, billions will be sent here, never to know Heaven  
or Hell, or life, ever again. Bartleby and Loki are bad. Now, listen here, missy, you can either  
help stop them, or you can ignore everything I've told you and probably help quicken the   
end of time."  
  
In a stunned silence, Tzipora thought over everything he had just told her. Bartleby and Loki  
were angels? And...and... "I think I can help stop them."  
  
"Great, let's go back now. This place is so depressing." In a blink, they were back in the real  
world, Tzipora still standing next to Metatron, and she had an awful sense of vertigo, even  
though she wasn't even remotely close to a high place. She stumbled a bit and fell against  
this angel. "Oh, sorry. You mortals have such delicate minds. And balance centers. Nothingness  
to gravity, I've gotta remember you all take a moment to adjust. Better now?" Tzipora stood on  
her own once again, still a little dizzy, but better. "All right. You run over there to the church  
and help Bethany and the others."  
  
Tzipora ran a few steps, before she turned around to face Metatron again, a confused look on   
her face. "Who's Bethany?"  
  
"The Last Scion. Shoulder-length brown hair, probably being followed by a moron named Jay.   
You have to help her stop Loki and Bartleby from entering that church."  
  
"O...kay. Will do." She saluted Metatron, then started running toward the church again.  
  
"I hope they win this battle, or we're screwed," Metatron mumbled to himself. With a snap of  
his fingers, he then returned to Heaven.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Tzipora arrived at the church a few minutes later, out of breath, and terrified by the scene   
before her. Bodies everywhere. Blood, fire, death covered the street. Looking for Bethany as   
Metatron had described her, Tzipora carefully made her way through the carnage. She   
immediately spotted Bartleby standing just outside the church with the girl she assumed was  
Bethany. At first it looked as if he were merely whispering something in her ear, but upon  
drawing closer, Tzipora saw he had her at knife-point. She also saw the body of Loki lying  
face down in the street. She let out a little sob. She knew who had killed poor Loki. Slowly,  
she approached Bartleby, Bethany, a man with long blonde hair, a another guy wearing a   
hat, a black guy wearing a Mooby's shirt, and a Hispanic woman. 'Wow. What an army,'  
she thought sarcastically. Not looking where she was going, she accidently walked into and  
tripped over a metal folding chair. All head turned to stare at her. "Uh-oh."  
  
Bartleby did that grin Tzipora loved so much, but this time it looked positively evil. He threw  
Bethany to the side roughly, then literally leaped through the air and landed in front of Tzipora.  
Only then did she notice his wings. Huge, white, and powerful. Quickly glancing at Loki, she  
noted he no longer had his angel wings. It looked like his had been cut off. Looking back to  
Bartleby, she noticed he had stretched out his wings to full span. They were impressive. "Hey,  
I thought I told you to stay behind for a while." Unable to answer, as awestruck as she was, her  
only reaction was to wrap her arms around his neck. He then wrapped his strong arms about  
her small waist and within moments, the two were airborne.   
  
"Bartleby...I'm scared..." she whispered into his ear as they rose higher and higher into the sky.  
  
He kissed her passionately as he stopped their ascent and started heading west. "I won't let  
anything happen to you, Tzipora. I..I think I love you." Bartleby sounded as shocked at this  
admission as Tzipora was to hear it. After a moment of silence, he asked her, "So...how do you  
feel about flying to California?"  
  
"Fine. Just fine, as long as I'm with you." They both shifted so now she was cradled in his arms,  
and she rested her head against his armor-plated chest.  
  
"I just need to ask one favor of you, love," he said as they flew on. He dipped down through a   
large bank of clouds, then soared back into clear air again before continuing. "When we get  
there, I want you to help me cut off my wings."  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"So I can become human." 


	3. Azrael's First Appearance

AN: I don't own cool things, just Tzipora and my story.   
  
ChApTeR 3  
  
Bartleby and Tzipora finally touched down a few hours later. It was about eight o'clock at night.  
Bartleby ached. He had never flown that far through Earth's atmosphere carrying another person.  
She had somehow fallen asleep in his arms. She knew she was safe and secure there. He wouldn't  
let her plummet through the night sky to the ground. He gently woke her up as he folded back and  
hid his white wings. Tzipora yawned, stretched, and for a moment, forgot who Bartleby was and   
where they were. "We're in California?"  
  
"No, Nevada. Sorry, we couldn't make it tonight. I'm too tired. You hungry?" Tzipora nodded. "There's  
a little diner about a mile that way. Hope you don't mind walking." As the two walked, they talked.  
"I...I have to admit I had no idea what I was doing back there at that church. I never meant to kill  
Loki. I love him. Just...something came over me. Oh, God." He fell to his knees, sobbing. Tzipora didn't  
have the words to console him, so she knelt down next to him and let him cry on her shoulder. He   
wasn't bad, no matter what Metatron said. He knew regret. "Tzipora, I'll never be able to forgive my-  
self. Loki'll never forgive me. How can you even stand me right now?" A new wave of tears began.  
She gently rubbed her hand up and down his back, quietly shushing him.  
  
"It'll be okay, Bartleby. Sshh. Loki knows you didn't mean it. It seemed like you guys were very close.  
Everything'll be all right." Bartleby pulled his head up from her shoulder, his eyes red. It hurt her to see  
him so hurt. She placed a light kiss on his lips, then hugged him.  
  
"Well isn't this sweet?" Azrael mocked. He had appeared out of nowhere, much like the Metatron.   
Tzipora gasped. This man didn't have wings. He had horns. "Hi, Bartleby. What's up? Why aren't you  
and Loki home yet?" Bartleby began to answer, but the demon interrupted him. "Oh, I know why. You  
let your emotions get the best of you. You do realize that Bethany and the rest of the gang are on their  
way here at this very moment, right? The Metatron tells them where you are at all times. Well, he can  
as long as you're an angel. I suggest you lose the wings."  
  
"Who are you?" Tzipora whispered.  
  
"Me? Oh, I'm just a simple demon. Azrael's the name. Nice to meet you." He held out his hand as if to  
shake hers, but then pulled it back. "Why didn't you kill those guys when you had the chance, B? Jay  
and Silent Bob? They just killed me a few hours ago in the bar, and it was a tad painful. Lousy instrument  
of God," he mumbled under his breath. "Anyway, Bartleby, you can go back any time you want through  
that arch. Well, after you transubstantiate. Listen, I gotta go. Be careful."  
  
"Yeah, later, Azrael," Bartleby sighed. With a small burst of flame, Azrael disappeared. "God, Tzipora, I'm  
not sure I even want to go back to Heaven now. I don't know if Loki's even gonna be there. My life is so  
fucked up right now..."  
  
"Let's just go get something to eat, and worry about everything else later, okay?" Tzipora stood and pulled   
Bartleby up with her. They finished their walk to the diner and had a nice dinner of hamburgers and   
french fries.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
After dinner, the pair had to deal with the problem of where they were going to stay for the night.   
Bartleby suggested a motel, but the waitress at the diner said the nearest one was over ten miles away. It  
was very dark out and they were practically in the middle of nowhere. They walked for a little while in  
silence. Both were contemplating what had happened earlier. Both of their lives had gone from relatively  
simple to horribly complex in a few minutes. And even though Tzipora didn't know Bethany and the  
others, she coudn't help but feel she was betraying them. Finally, Bartleby spoke. He had quiet all through  
supper. "I think we can make it sooner if I fly with you," he suggested.  
  
"I don't wanna wear you out anymore. You've had a rough day," Tzipora said, wrapping an arm around  
his waist, resting her head on his shoulder. "But if you feel you're up to it..."  
  
"I can do it. Ten miles isn't that far." So, once again, Bartleby cradled Tzipora's body in his arms and they  
took to the air.   
  
Glancing down, watching the darkened scenery flash by her, Tzipora remarked, "I can't believe you want  
me to cut your wings off. Give up this to become human? Being human isn't that wonderful, y'know."  
  
"I wanna be human so I can...well, you know."  
  
"No, I don't know."  
  
Bartleby sighed. "Angels don't have certain, um, organs. I wanna be able to show someone that I truly  
love them by sharing a certain experience with them."  
  
"Oh." Tzipora pondered over this for a moment. "Am I that someone you're talking about?"  
  
"Maybe," Bartleby teased, leaning down to kiss her. His kisses were nothing like Tzipora had ever felt  
before. They were so soft, but so full of passion. She absolutely fell in love with him, then and there.  
Bartleby was her beautiful stranger, her mysterious angel. 


	4. Ecce Homo

AN: I am poor. I'm sorry. I can never own anything that rightfully belongs to Kevin Smith.  
  
ChApTeR 4  
  
Exhausted, Bartleby and Tzipora finally reached the motel, a small, run-down collection of cabins in a   
group called 'Weary Traveler's Den.' Bartleby hid his wings as they walked into the office building, and   
then realized he had no money. "Tzipora, honey, you're gonna have to pay for the room. I haven't got   
any cash or anything."  
  
"That's okay, B. I got it."  
  
"That's what Loki used to call me..." Bartleby could sense another crying episode coming, and tried his   
best to hold it back. Tzipora handed the man at the desk, a very old man, the money needed for a key   
and its room, and the man smiled knowingly. As they were leaving the office, Bartleby asked, "Why was  
that guy smiling like that?"  
  
"Because he thinks you and me are gonna get it on." They walked a moment in silence, finding their lodge  
for the night. Tzipora put the key in the hole, opened the door, and they entered. "Wow, what a palace,"  
she said sarcastically, flopping down on the bed. Bartleby closed the door and turned on a couple lights.  
  
"Yeah, this is amazing," he laughed, falling on to the bed, next to her. They stared at the ceiling, with its  
peeling white paint. "Do you think we should cut off my wings tonight?" he asked, sitting up slightly,   
propping his head up with his hand.  
  
"If you really want to."  
  
Bartleby thought for a few minutes. "Yeah, I do. Oh, man, this is gonna fucking hurt. Here, use this knife."  
He handed her the one he had stabbed Loki with, his red dried blood still clinging to it.  
  
Tzipora asked nervously, "Well...how do I do it? I mean, how hard should I push?" She got up off the bed,  
as did Bartleby. He revealed his white, downy wings once again, opening them, and they practically  
filled the room.  
  
"I...When I cut off Loki's, it was just like cutting through a tough steak. Not too hard, but...Do we have any  
alcohol nearby?"  
  
"I think there's some in the mini-fridge over there. Lemme check." She did, and there was. "We've got  
champagne and wine. Why do we need that?"  
  
"After you cut them off, I'm gonna need a lot to drink. I haven't been able to drink in centuries. Which really  
sucks ass," he said, walking over to her and handing her the knife. She accepted it in her shaking hand, and  
Bartleby turned around. He took a deep breath and said, "Okay. Go."  
  
Tzipora held the knife to the base of the left wing, and then took a deep breath herself. She started pushing  
down and heard Bartleby whimper in pain, but continued to push down. She was about half an inch in  
when it started bleeding. She gasped. "It's fine, they're supposed to bleed," Bartleby whispered through his  
pain. "Keep going." Tzipora did as she was told, slowly and carefully cutting through the skin, muscle, and   
bone. Five minutes later, both she and Bartleby were covered in drying blood as the wing fell to the floor.  
"Don't stop, hurry, get it over with. This really fucking hurts. Fuck!" he screamed in pain. Tzipora bit her lip  
and started in on his right wing. Bartleby gritted his teeth. He never imagined anyting would be able to  
hurt this much. Another five minutes later, his other wing fell softly to the floor. He reached up behind him  
to feel what was left, but Tzipora had cut close. The only remaining signs of his wings were tiny protruding  
stubs. "Damn," he muttered, falling onto the bed on his stomach.  
  
Just then, Bartleby felt a strange sensation. In his pants. Things were shifting, things were growing. He   
gasped in surprise, then smiled mischieviously. He had figured out what was happening. Bartleby lay still,  
waiting for his now-human body to finish its tranformation. Tzipora watched him lay on the bed from  
across the room. She could once again not believe that all this had happened to her one day. Life sure  
wasn't all that boring anymore. She gingerly walked across the room to sit next to Bartleby on the bed. She  
reached down and held his hand, and he picked his head up to smile at her. She realized then that she  
loved him completely. Tzipora had never felt this way about anyone before. Bartleby hadn't, either. He had  
loved Loki, that was true, but not like he loved this girl. This was different. "I need alcohol. And lots of it,"  
he said to her, and she smiled as she got up to get it for him. 


	5. Scion?

AN: Me = poor. I own absolutely nothing of Kevin Smith's. Kevin = rich.  
  
ChApTeR 5  
  
Bethany was back on a train. A different train, yes, but unfortunately she was with the same people.  
Across from her sat the "prophets," Jay and Silent Bob. Next to her, the former muse Serendipity.  
Rufus, the Thirteenth Apostle, was in the bathroom. Bethany thought a moment...'If he's dead, then  
why does he eat and...relieve himself? Don't think about it. Don't think about your situation any  
more, or your head'll explode.' She laughed at herself, then took a long sip from her beer.  
  
Jay, long blonde hair thrown back, was, once again, smoking a joint. "You know, one of these days  
I might get caught for doing this in public," he said, voice raspy. He then coughed loudly, and   
Bethany shook her head sadly. "What?" Jay asked, finishing his smoke. "That is some good shit. I  
don't know if I've mentioned that before, but it is. Ever smoke a blunt, honey?"  
  
"First of all, no, I try to stay away from illegal drugs, and second, don't call me honey," the Last Scion  
sighed. She ran her fingers through her tousled hair. Silent Bob gave her a sympathetic look as he  
lit up a cigarette. She smiled back at him. "Jay, you know, maybe you should quit. It's addictive--"  
  
"Like chicks with huge tits?" he interrupted. Bob glared at him. You could practically see him think-  
ing, 'God! What a moron!'  
  
"No, as in you could DIE from it. And, you know, I'm pregnant now. I can't be breathing that in."  
  
Jay thought a moment. "Yeah, okay, I see your point." He took a sip from Bethany's beer. "Then you  
can't have this." He grinned devilishly as he took the bottle from her.  
  
"Oh, my God, you're right. Jesus, how could I forget no alcohol?" Bethany slapped her forehead.  
  
"It's late, mommy-to-be. You'd better go to bed," Serendipity suggested, flipping her long, dark hair  
over one shoulder. "I'll stay here to try and make sure these two don't get into any trouble."  
  
"Yeah, remember the last time we left them alone on a train?" Rufus said, taking Bethany's seat as she  
got up. "Damn, girl, your butt sure is warm."   
  
"That's what happens when you're still alive and sit in one place for a while. The thing you're on gets  
warm." Bethany ran her fingers through her hair again. "I am going to sleep forever. Don't disturb me,  
Jay." She looked directly at him.   
  
"WHAT?" he asked again. Bob shook his head sadly, then sighed deeply. Bethany couldn't understand  
how this nice, normal guy could stand to be around a guy like Jay all the time.   
  
"Good night, all," she said as she headed toward her and Serendipity's sleeping quarters. The minute  
she left the train car, a familiar figure appeared. Metatron. And he didn't look happy.  
  
"Hey, Metty, what's up, my man?" Rufus greeted him. Not getting the upbeat response he had wished  
for, the Apostle asked, "Seriously, what's up?"  
  
"It's Bartleby. I can't help you locate him anymore." Metatron sighed, leaning against a wall.  
  
"Why not?" Serendipity demanded.  
  
"He has cut off his wings and is now human. The Divine Being says since now he's mortal, you  
mortals have to find him on your own."  
  
"Can you tell us where he was last?" Rufus asked.  
  
"Central northern Nevada, by a little town called Orovada. Well, that's where he was last an angel.  
Him and Tzipora might've moved on by now."  
  
"What's up with that bitch Tzipora? Doesn't she know Bartleby's the bad guy?" Jay said, grabbing a   
mint from the small bowl on the table and sucking on it. "Now, if she had known me before all this  
started, she would've run to me and not that angel prick when she got scared. You see her, Bob?  
Bitch was hot."  
  
"Believe it or not, Tzipora is a kind of scion," Metatron said, taking a seat at the table across from  
the others.   
  
"What do you mean, kind of?" Rufus asked, also grabbing a mint.  
  
"Well, Bethany is a descendant of Christ. Tzipora is a direct descendant of...Judas. And she can't  
help what she is. She naturally, instinctively betrays people. I'd not hate her if I were you. She  
might actually betray Bartleby."  
  
"Who's Judas? One of the guys from Judas Priest?" Jay asked. Bob promptly hit him in the back of  
the head.  
  
"He was an Apostle, like me," Rufus answered. "That is the motherfucker who turned J.C. over to   
the Romans, who then crucified him. I never could stand that guy." He shook his head. "He was  
dumb as a pile of shit, too."  
  
"Yes, we all know about your dislike of Judas. Anyway, I have to be getting back. Good luck. You're  
gonna need it," Metatron said in farewell. He disappeared just as quickly as he had appeared.  
  
"This just keep getting better and better," Serendipity muttered, leaning against Rufus. The train  
sped on westward through the dark night. 


	6. A Night at the Motel with Bartleby and T...

AN: I know, I'm getting as sick of these as you are. But I have to say it. I don't own any of  
Kevin Smith's characters, settings, etc.  
  
ChApTeR 6  
  
Bartleby was horribly, wonderfully, completely drunk. He and Tzipora had finished off the bottle of  
champagne, and now were halfway through their second bottle of wine. His vision was getting so  
bad, he could barely see where his glass was. Tzipora was lying on the bed next to him, not even  
bothering to use a glass and drinking straight out of the bottle. Bartleby noticed his glass was almost  
empty, so he slurred, "Hey, Zippy, can you pour me s'more wine?"  
  
"Sure, why not?" Tzipora answered. She climbed on top of Bartleby and filled his glass to the rim.   
She then finished off the little bit remaining in the bottom of the bottle and dropped it softly to the  
floor. Bartleby smiled at her.  
  
"You know what, Tzipora? You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen," he whispered, running a  
hand through her hair. "Even more beautifuller than God."  
  
Tzipora sat up so that she was stradling his waist, and lightly hit him on the chest. "No I'm not, and  
you know it. God's is way more pretty than me."  
  
Bartleby thought for a moment, then said, "Yep, you're right. But you're still beautiful." He pulled   
Tzipora back down on top of him and kissed her fiercely. She fell into the kiss, running her fingers  
through his short, dark hair. They continued to kiss until Bartleby pulled away, a strange look on his  
face. "Tzipora, somethin's happenin' down, um, there."  
  
Tzipora climbed off of Bartleby and looked down, um, there. She saw his large erection poking up in his  
blood and wine drenched pants. "That, B, is what us mortals like to call a boner. You use it when you  
have sex. Kinda hard to have sex if you don't have a boner," she laughed, leaning over to kiss him. "Do  
you know what to do?"  
  
"No, I have no fucking idea."  
  
"Okay, then...let's see if we get porn on the T.V. in here." Tzipora grabbed the remote and turned the  
television on, quickly flipping through the channels. "Shit, just our luck, the only fuckin' motel in the  
nation without porn." She turned the T.V. off and chucked the remote control across the room. "First  
things first...let's get naked."  
  
"I'm pretty sore...Think maybe you could, uh, undress me?" Bartleby asked, smirking. Tzipora thought  
that smirk was irresistible.   
  
"I can do that...But only if you help me a little..." Bartleby nodded that he would, so Tzipora started   
stripping him. She pulled off his stained pants in one quick little move, and then pulled off his blood-  
stained armor, along with the silky maroon shirt beneath it. "Wow. You have a really hot body," she  
giggled, rolling over on the bed. "Now me, now me."  
  
Clad only in his white boxers, though why he had worn them in the first place was a complete mystery  
to him since angels were "ill-equipped," Bartleby got up and started to undress Tzipora. He carefully  
pulled her blue denim jacket off, and slowly peeled her baby blue tank off. With unsteady fingers, he  
unbuttoned and unzipped her denim bellbottoms and pulled them off. "Cute," he remarked, glancing  
at her pink undergarments. Now that they were down to the not-quite-bare essentials, Bartleby  
wondered what they were going to do next. "We're not quite naked yet."  
  
"I know. I gots an idea," Tzipora answered him, sitting up and gently pushing him back onto his pillow.  
She crawled down the bed and slowly, tantalizingly started removing his boxers with her teeth. Bartleby  
moaned quietly in anticipation. 'Being human fucking kicks ASS!' he thought excitedly. When Tzipora  
finished, she threw his underwear across the room. "Come on, hurry up, I wanna do this now..." she  
whispered into his ear. Bartleby got the hint. He achingly sat back up and started to remove her re-  
maining clothing. He got a little hooked up with her bra, but quickly figured it out. Tzipora giggled as he  
traced his fingers down the sides of her torso toward her underwear. He slowly pulled those off, then   
stared in wonder at her naked body. "Now just go with the flow."  
  
"I'm gonna fuck your brains out," Bartleby said, going in. Just as he was about to show her heaven on  
Earth, he passed out. Tzipora wasn't more than a few seconds behind him. They lay naked in each  
other's arms until the sun rose the next morning. 


	7. Bartleby Gets Breakfast, or, A Jay Revel...

AN: You know it, I know it, the American people know it. I don't own Kevin Smith's characters  
in any way. I don't own the rights to any Beatles songs, either.  
  
ChApTeR 7  
  
The train just entered Nevada just as the sun rose up over the hilly horizon. Bethany stirred in her  
sleep, but didn't wake. Jay sat on the bench seat across from her, watching her sleeping. She was  
on her side, one arm across her stomach, hair falling gently across her neck. Jay continued to  
watch her. Hell, yes, he still wanted to fuck her, but he wanted more than that. This was a new  
sensation for him. After everyone else had gone to sleep last night, Bob had told Jay what he had  
observed since they first met Bethany. "Jay, man, you got it bad for her."  
  
"Damn right I do. She's hot."  
  
"No. I think you love her, man. I've been watching you this whole trip we've had. You've barely  
taken your eyes off her. Tone down your language and behavior, and she might actually give you  
a chance."  
  
Jay was actually silent for a moment. He even appeared to be THINKING. "You mean it, Bob?"  
  
"Hell, yes." And then Bob reclaimed his title of 'The Silent One,' quieting, and lighting up a cigarette.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Bartleby awoke before Tzipora that morning, the early morning sunlight falling across his face. He  
carefully untangled himself from Tzipora and went into the bathroom to relieve himself and take a  
long, hot shower. About twenty minutes later, he came out, a towel around his waist. Tzipora was  
still sleeping, snoring lightly, curled up on the messy bed. Bartleby grinned, sitting on the bed next  
to her, sliding his fingers up and down the smooth skin of her back. Later, when she woke, he'd   
keep the promise he had made to her last night. But for right now, he had to leave the room. He  
was hungry, and wanted breakfast.  
  
He walked back to the main office of the motel after dressing and asked the manager if he had a car  
he and Tzipora could rent for a while. The old man said he did, and would rent it to them for five  
dollars an hour. Luckily, Bartleby had thought enough to bring some of Tzipora's money with him  
and gave the old man some for the rent. The manager, introducing himself as Jack Phillips, led  
Bartleby to an ancient-looking truck parked behind the office. Rust was everywhere. Jack laughed  
at the doubting look on Bartleby's face. "She runs, my boy, though she may not look like it. I just  
filled it up the other night. Be careful and enjoy," he said, handing Bartleby the key.  
  
"Thanks, I'm sure I will," Bartleby said, taking the key and climbing into the truck. He started it up   
and waved to the old man as he went back into his office. Taking a deep breath, the former angel  
put the truck in reverse, then pulled forward onto a rural highway without hitting anything.   
"Maybe I should've told him that I've never driven before," Bartleby thought aloud. Adjusting his  
mirror slightly, he looked back on his and Tzipora's lodge. He smiled, then turned on the radio. It  
was on an oldies station, and they were playing the Beatles' "Eight Days A Week," a song he  
happened to love. "Hold me, love me, hold me, love me...I ain't got nothin' but love, babe, eight   
days a week," he sang along. He managed to stay inside the lines on the road for the most part,  
thankful there was no other traffic near him. He cautiously pulled into the parking lot of the diner   
where Tzipora and he had eaten the night before and parked the truck, turning it off. He went into  
the little diner, found a seat, and ordered scrambled eggs, hash browns, and toast for breakfast. His  
waitress was a young girl, no more than eighteen years old, and she happened to arouse Bartleby.  
Thankfully, the table hid his excitement. 'There's always a period of adjustment,' he thought as he  
devoured his meal. He savored every bite. When he finished, he ordered a meal to go for Tzipora,  
paid the bill, and started his return trip to the motel. And he didn't crash again.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Bethany woke up about an hour later, yawning, stretching, and gasping when she saw Jay staring at  
her. "What the hell are you doing in here?"  
  
"Um...Serendipity got up for breakfast a while ago and asked me to stay here with you until you  
woke up," he lied, in what he thought was a convincing way. Bethany, of course, didn't buy it.  
  
"Whatever," she sighed, pulling her hair back into a ponytail. After a few more moments of feeling  
Jay's eyes on her, she asked, "What? Why are you looking at me so intensely for?"  
  
"I...I think I love you," Jay whispered. 


	8. Silhouettes

AN: You all know what I'm gonna say, so why bother to type it? I'll send the message to you  
telepathically. ************* Done.  
  
ChApTeR 8  
  
"You...WHAT?" Bethany asked. Jay had said he loved her before, but this time he was earnest about  
what he was saying. She had never seen Jay this serious before. It was a little scary, in a way. Jay put  
his head in his hands, unable to fully explain himself. It was now Bethany's turn to stare.   
  
"I mean what I say. I love you. I love you a lot. It's really weird."  
  
"I'll say."  
  
Jay looked up, and looked deep into Bethany's dark brown eyes. He was once again at a loss for words.  
He didn't like this much, either. Jay had always been VERY articulate. He couldn't find the words to   
describe what he saw in Bethany. 'Beautiful' didn't cover it. She was radiant, gorgeous, amazing,   
wonderful...the list continued in his head. But most of all, she was Bethany. And she was here with him.  
That's all that mattered to him at the moment. Screw Bartleby, screw this whole holy crusade bull shit.  
She was Bethany. "Wanna go get breakfast?" he asked, rising. He held out a hand to assist her up, but  
she brushed it aside.  
  
"Yeah, sure. Don't touch me."  
  
"I won't. Not yet, anyway," Jay whispered to himself as he followed her to the dining car.   
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Bartleby got back to the motel at about seven o'clock, carefully parking the truck in its designated spot.  
He brought Tzipora's breakfast back to their lodge, but found her still sleeping. He set her food down,  
then playfully jumped onto the bed, causing Tzipora to stir, but not wake. "Tzipora...Tzipora, wake up,"  
he whispered in her ear as he pulled the sheets off her. She groaned, opened her eyes, and pulled the  
blanket back up to her chin. She blinked a few times, then rolled over on her side.  
  
"What do you want?" she yawned.   
  
"I brought you back some breakfast. I got some waffles and some syrup and sausages. Hope you like them,"  
Bartleby said, getting up off the bed. He started setting out her meal on a small table.  
  
"God, don't you get hangovers? We drank enough last night for about ten people," Tzipora moaned, slowly  
crawling out of bed. She put a hand over her eyes to block the bright sun. "I'm gonna go take a shower, and  
then eat, okay?"  
  
"Now that you mention it...Loki and I used to get really drunk all the time, but we never had hangovers.   
Cool, huh?" Tzipora stared at him with half-lidded eyes. "Oh, yeah, sure, go take a shower. I think I'll watch  
some T.V." Tzipora stumbled to the bathroom and a few minutes later, Bartleby heard the water running.  
He watched a few minutes of MTV...the latest video by blink-182 was playing, and he laughed at their  
amusing antics. But he got bored quickly, and turned the television off. Suddenly, he thought of a naughty  
idea. He got up, stripped, and went into the bathroom.  
  
Bartleby could see her silhouette through the sheer shower curtain. Tzipora was standing in the shower,   
letting the hot water wash over her. Her brown hair dripped about halfway down her back, and she was   
just about to reach down and grab the shampoo when Bartleby intervened. He had slipped quickly and   
quietly into the shower with her, and grabbed the shampoo bottle before she could reach it. She screamed   
in shock, but then realized who it was in the water with her. "God, Bartleby, don't do that to me! You almost  
gave me a freaking heart attack." Then, slowly, a smile spread across her face. "You gonna help me wash my  
hair, B?" Bartleby nodded, poured some shampoo in his hands, and started massaging her scalp. Her head  
tingled, and the feeling coursed throughout her body. She was facing away from Bartleby and all she could  
think of were those Herbal Essence commercials. She moaned a little and sighed, "Fuck, this feels good."  
Bartleby chuckled a little. He was enjoying this as much as she was. He stared down at her short form,  
taking in all her curves. Tzipora wasn't exactly skinny...some might even say she was chubby. Bartleby  
loved her all the more for it. Her body wasn't perfect, but neither was his. He compared her's to one of those  
old-fashioned flowers vases. Bartleby ran his hands up and down her, from her thighs to her breasts, and   
back again. "Rinse my hair, Bartleby."  
  
"What? Oh, okay." Bartleby turned her around and wrapped an arm about her waist, then tipped her back  
so that her hair could be rinsed clean. When it was, he pulled her close and leaned down to kiss her. He  
laid soft, quick kisses on her lips, her cheeks, her ears, her eyelids, her throat. Tzipora was silent, basking in  
all his sensual attention. She put her arms around his shoulders and started kissing him back. Bartleby   
gently pushed her back until she was against a wall of the shower, then started playing with his hands. He  
reached up and started to massage her breasts, lightly flicking and pinching her protruding nipples. He   
started kissing lower and lower until he reached her chest, where he began to suck on and nip at her.   
Tzipora sighed in ecstacy. She reached down and started to stroke his throbbing member, while he stood up  
and looked straight into her eyes. He smiled that devilish half-grin, then proclaimed, "NOW, I'm going to  
fuck your brains out." Tzipora smiled back at him, as the steam enveloped them both. 


	9. Azrael's Second Appearance

AN: Hi, I'm Leigh, and I'm a note-aholic. *Crowds answers "Hi, Leigh!"* I don't own Kevin Smith's  
people. Or 'SpongeBob Squarepants' characters. And I'm strong enough to admit that.  
  
ChApTeR 9  
  
Bartleby made mad, passionate love to Tzipora in the shower until the hot water was gone. They  
climbed out, shivering from the icy water, dried each other lovingly with big, white, fluffy towels,  
then ran to the bed and continued to make love. About an hour later, Tzipora simply collapsed into  
Bartleby's arms and sighed, "I'm hungry. And my food is probably cold now." Bartleby jumped up  
and placed her food in the sun, streaming in from the large window, then got back into bed. "Oh,   
yeah, that'll work," she said sarcastically.   
  
"It might," he answered, lightly kissing her forehead. They lay in a happy, comfortable silence for  
a while, relaxing and regaining their spent energy. After a while, Bartleby said, "We need more drinks."  
  
"It's like nine o'clock in the morning. We don't need drinks. But I need breakfast," Tzipora said, climbing  
out of the rumpled sheets of the bed. She walked over to where Bartleby had placed her food on the   
window sill and started eating her waffles. "Okay, the sun thing did work...a little. Thanks for getting   
me breakfast, B." She smiled at him, her mouth all syrupy. He laughed at her. "What?" she asked, her  
voice muffled, because her mouth was full. Bartleby got up and licked the maple syrup from her lips.  
  
"Here, put this shirt on. You're all indecent-like for a lady," Bartleby said, grabbing his shirt from the  
night before. The blood had completely dried and now was an ugly brownish color. Tzipora put it on  
anyway. Bartleby was just pulling on his boxers when he felt someone was watching him. Not Tzipora.  
This gaze was of someone unearthly. "Hi, Azrael," he greeted his demon friend.  
  
"Hey, there, Bartleby, I see you're human now. And how are the two lovebirds this morning?" Azrael  
said cheerfully, taking a seat on the bed. "Looks like you've been busy. Where are you two going later?"  
  
"I...I guess we don't know right now. Got any suggestions?" Bartleby asked, pulling on his pants.   
  
"Maybe...you could go BACK to New Jersey and go home. Hell, I could transport you right now."  
  
"You know, Azrael, I've been thinking about that. About going home, I mean. I'm not so sure I wanna do  
that anymore."  
  
"WHAT?!" Azrael roared. "After all this time, all this hard work I've-- I mean, we've put into this plan, and  
you just want to screw it? Remember how badly you wanted to go home? God PUNISHED you by sending  
you and Loki here, and now you want to STAY? Fuck you, Bartleby." Azrael got up and punched a hole   
through the wall in his frustration and anger.   
  
"Hey, man, I'm gonna have to pay for that now!" Bartleby yelled at him. Azrael shrugged. "I like it here now.  
I can drink, I can have sex," Bartleby smiled at Tzipora, who grinned back at him, "I can finally lead a normal  
life. I've been on Earth long enough, I'm actually starting to enjoy it. But say I do want to go home. Where's  
Loki, Azrael? Do you know? I don't want to go back if there's no Loki. Life would be fucking pointless without  
him."  
  
"As if your mortal life now isn't pointless? You could die tomorrow and you'd probably go to Hell. Shit, I know  
for a FACT you'd go to Hell."  
  
"Hey, shut the fuck up," Tzipora interrupted. "Bartleby can make his own decisions. He doesn't need a loser  
like you ordering him around." In a flash, Azrael had Tzipora up against the wall, his hands pressing her  
shoulders to it. She squirmed to get out of his grasp, but found escape was impossible. She heard Bartleby   
gasp from across the room.   
  
"Listen, human, a lot more is going on here than your little mind could possibly imagine," Azrael whispered,  
his face inches from hers. "If he doesn't want to go home, too damn bad. He's going home, one way or  
another. I'll see to it personally. My life depends on what your boyfriend over there does. Don't fuck with me.  
You got that?" Tzipora nodded, scared. "Good," Azrael smiled. He let Tzipora go and she ran to Bartleby's arms.  
"You two stay out of trouble. The Scion no longer has the aide of the Metatron since you transubstaniated, B.  
But she can still sense where you are. I suggest you get moving...they'll be here in about half an hour. Until  
next time..." he said in farewell. He bowed deeply, then disappeared instantly.   
  
"What is going on, Bartleby?" Tzipora asked, grabbing his hand.  
  
"I don't know. I really don't know."  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Loki sat in a chair, watching some SpongeBob Squarepants. This had to be his favorite cartoon, by far. He   
hadn't seen stuff this hilarious since they stopped making those ultra-violent Bugs Bunny cartoons. "Why are  
you mad, Patrick?" SpongeBob asked his starfish friend.  
  
With a look of concentration and anger on his face, Patrick replied, "Because I can't see my forehead." Loki  
laughed out loud. Some muse had to be inspiring this writer. No one was this funny by themselves.   
  
Loki was in Heaven, though how he had gotten there was beyond him. Metatron had tried to explain it to him  
several times, but usually Loki forgot what he said ten minutes later. Something about him becoming human  
on Earth, not committing any sins, and being killed by Bartleby...lots of big words...and since he was a human  
going to Heaven and NOT an angel, existence wouldn't be destroyed. The same went for Bartleby. He could go  
into that church in Red Bank, have all his sins erased, and be killed, and he would go to Heaven as well,   
without erasing the past, present, and future. As soon as Loki was admitted into Heaven, God told him all of  
Azrael's plan. Loki had laughed aloud then, too, because it seemed so ridiculous. Angels getting back into   
Heaven was impossible.   
  
A new story was on T.V. now. Squidward, SpongeBob's neighbor, was about to walk into his expanding house.  
"I should just walk away, right now," Squidward said to himself. Just as he was about to open the door, his   
home exploded. Inside sat a grinning SpongeBob and Patrick. "You invited them in and you left them alone.  
Well, Squidward, what have we learned today?" Loki laughed uproariously again. 


	10. Back on the Train

AN: Simply put, I don't own any of Kevin Smith's characters.  
  
ChApTeR 10  
  
"Here you go, Bethany," Jay said as he held the door to the dining car open for her. She sighed, and walked  
through it. She had to admit having him wait on her hand and foot was nice, but Jay himself was being  
very annoying. He had tried to help her put on her shoes. That was an interesting, albeit amusing situation.  
Then, he forced her to watch him flush all his remaining marijuana down a toilet. She admitted to him that  
it was a good move toward a healthier lifestyle, but it wouldn't make her go out with him. Jay had hung his  
head in despair. Bethany had noticed he sort of looked like a puppy when he did this. She sat down in a booth,  
and Jay took his place in the seat across from her. "Hey, have you seen that tubby bi-- I mean, Silent Bob?"  
  
"No, I don't know where Bob is," Bethany said, sitting up and looking around the car. "Oh, there he is. He's  
over there talking to Serendipity." Silent Bob and Serendipity were sitting in another booth towards the  
opposite end of the car, sipping orange juice and coffee. (Serendipity was, of course, spitting out her drink  
into an empty glass after savoring its flavor.) "How come he never talks that much when he's around you,  
Jay?"   
  
"He explained it to me once. Something about balance in the universe. Like I'm the Dark Side and he's the Light  
Side of the Force. I talk a lot, he doesn't," Jay told her. "But mostly it's 'cuz he likes to listen more than he likes  
to talk. That guy is very, um, observant."   
  
"I see. Well, what do you want to eat? They're bringing in some cereal and stuff."  
  
"Oh, allow me, Bethany. You should get as much rest as possible now that you're pregnant. I'm gettin' me some  
Count Chocula. What would you like?" Jay asked, getting up out of the booth.  
  
"Cheerios, please. And sugar to go with them, if they have it. Thanks, Jay." Jay gave her a big grin as he started  
to walk away. "This doesn't mean we're going out!" she shouted after him. His smile disappeared quickly, but as  
he walked past Silent Bob, he gave his friend a little high-five. Bob nodded at him.  
  
"So how long have you two known each other?" Serendipity asked Bob. "You seem very close."  
  
"I've known Jay for as long as I can remember," Bob answered, taking a sip of his steaming, black coffee. "We  
have a lot of memories from our days of standing outside the Quick Stop and RST Video. Most of those  
memories involve our torturing of the clerks from those stores, two guys by the names of Dante and Randal."  
He took another gulp of his drink, then shook his head, chuckling. "Good times."  
  
Rufus took a seat next to Silent Bob, and set down a plate full of powdered and glazed donuts. "There we go,  
sugar-coated breakfast. Food nowadays is SO much better." Bob reached out and took a glazed donut and   
literally swallowed it whole. "Easy there, Big Poppa. I'd like some of those, too." Rufus grabbed a glazed one,   
as well.  
  
"This is so not fair. I want to actually eat something for once," Serendipity complained. "I can see Her ban on  
alcohol, but all the other drinks and food? For being a 'righteous deity,' She can be very cruel." Silent Bob  
shrugged, reaching for another pastry. Rufus glared at him, and Bob did his "What?" facial expression.   
Rufus rolled his eyes, and sighed deeply. "Oh, let him eat Rufus. You don't need that food. You're dead."  
  
"True, Muse. But I still like eating." Jay came back through the car, carrying two small cereal boxes, two  
bowls, two spoons, and a small carton of milk. "Yo, Jay, need help with that, man?"  
  
"Nah, I'm cool. Thanks anyway."  
  
"Did he just say 'thanks?!'" Rufus asked incredulously.  
  
Meanwhile, at the other end of the dining car..."Here you go, Bethany. Cheerios." Jay set down her cereal,  
bowl, and spoon, then set up his own. "Oh, yeah, and here's your sugar." He pulled some sugar packets  
out of his pocket.   
  
"Thanks again, Jay." Bethany poured out her Cheerios, poured her milk, then sprinkled the sugar over the  
top. She was stirring in the sugar when she asked, "What's your real name, Jay? I mean, it can't just be  
Jay."  
  
"Nah, that's my real name. My mom wasn't exactly the most original bitch in the world," Jay said, digging  
into his breakfast.   
  
"Well. What are your favorite bands, your favorite teams? I don't know anything about you, but God   
knows you know enough about my life," Bethany said, spooning some cereal into her mouth.  
  
"Favorite bands? That's easy, Morris Day and the Time. They fu-- they rock. And Bon Jovi? They're like  
mine and Silent Bob's gods!" Bethany smiled. "Well, we are Jersey boys...I'm not much into sports, but I  
gotta say my favorite team is the Yankees. You ever watch them? They kick ass. That Derek Jeter guy?  
Man, can he hit. He's from Jersey, too, y'know."  
  
"No, I did not know that. I personally like the Boston Red Sox."  
  
"Ew, you like the Sox?" Jay asked, openly disgusted.   
  
Bethany laughed. "You like Derek Jeter, I like Nomar Garciaparra. What is it about the shortstops?" Jay  
shrugged. "You know, Jay, I'm surprised. You barely cursed this entire morning." Jay grinned. "We still  
aren't going out."  
  
An announcement came over the speakers in the car. "Ladies and gentlemen, our next stop, Orovada,  
Nevada, will be reached in approximately fifteen minutes. Anyone planning to exit at this destination  
should start getting prepared now." 


	11. He Has Returned

AN: Me no own stuff Kevin Smith own. It his.  
  
ChApTeR 11  
  
Bartleby was driving the truck again. Tzipora was safely buckled in. "When did you first drive?" she asked him.  
  
Bartleby stopped humming along to the radio long enough to answer, "I think...I think it was 1960. Yeah, 'cuz that   
was when the Beatles songs started coming out. I really like the Beatles."  
  
"Yeah, I noticed." Tzipora quieted down and stared hard at Bartleby. She tilted her head slightly, like a collie dog   
trying to figure out something it didn't understand. He laughed a little, then asked what she was looking at. "I just   
realized, you look a LOT like Ben Affleck. I mean, you're like identical to him."  
  
"Ben Affleck?...Oh, that guy from 'Armageddon.' You really think I look like him?" Bartbleby asked, taking a left  
turn on to another fairly deserted highway. He looked in his rearview mirror for a moment, then admitted, "Yeah, I  
can definitely see some similarity."  
  
"Some? I see a ton of similarity. Where are we going, anyway, B?" Tzipora questioned, glancing out the window,   
looking for a road sign. "This reminds me of where I used to live, in Jersey. Y'know, the middle of nowhere."  
  
"We're going to the train station. We need to go back to the East Coast," Bartleby answered her. "I have some stuff  
there that needs to be dealt with."  
  
"Such as...?" Tzipora looked back at him. "I just realized something. You don't have a last name, do you?" Bartleby  
shook his head. "Hmmm. Now, see, that's a problem for me. I like to take hot guys last names and add them to mine,  
y'know, to see how they sound together. I can't be Mrs. Bartleby."  
  
"Why? What is so wrong with Mrs. Bartleby?" he asked her, pulling up and stopping at a stop sign. "Loki used to walk   
around all the time singing Loki Bartleby." Tzipora stared incredulously at him. "We weren't gay in the sense you think of.   
We loved each other...a lot...but we were...I don't know, connected. Let's not talk about this anymore, okay?" Bartleby   
continued to concentrate directly on the road, obviously not wanting to talk about it anymore.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Loki was getting bored of this sitting around shit. He knew Bartleby needed his help...he'd never done anything this big  
before in his long life. Look what happened back at the church. All spur of the moment type things. God knew Bartleby  
needed guidance. Duh, She knows everything. She wouldn't let Loki go down to Earth just yet, though. At least, not to talk  
to his best friend.   
  
The gang had just stepped off the train in Nevada when they noticed a very familiar blonde man standing in the small crowd.  
Gasps all around. "But...I thought Loki was dead!" Bethany whispered to Rufus. "I'm not just seeing things, am I?" Rufus  
shook his head, also in disbelief. Taking a deep breath, she called out to him. "Loki! Over here!" Yes, she was yelling to a   
former angel who was now dead, the same person who she was once told to kill herself. What an odd world it is that we live  
in... Loki looked toward where he had heard his name called, spotted Bethany and the others, and waved to them. They   
began to take defensive positions as he drew nearer. He stood still about ten feet away from them, smiling slightly.   
  
"Hey, guys, short time, no see," he greeted them cheerily.  
  
"How the Hell did you get back to Earth? And speaking of Hell, how did you get out?" Serendipity asked loudly, drawing  
some unwanted stares from other passengers. She flipped her long hair over her shoulder, keeping the tough look on her  
face. Loki laughed at her...short little thing that she was. Serendipity was about as intimidating as a teddy bear...or maybe   
an Ewok. "What?"  
  
"You're so cute!" he said, coming closer. He lightly pinched her cheek. "Okay, first of all, I didn't go to Hell, I went to Heaven.  
Since I was mortal, and hadn't committed any sins as a human, when I died I went to Heaven. To answer your next question,  
the world didn't end because it would only end if an ANGEL got back into Heaven. Which I am no longer. Plus, duh, Azrael  
got out of Hell occaisonally. So. There ya have it." They all stared at Loki blankly. "Hey, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean  
I'm stupid."  
  
"Right on!" Jay shouted in approval. Bethany started laughing at him.  
  
"Anyway, a lot of weird shit's about to go down, so I figured I'd come down and help you guys," Loki said, stepping closer.  
  
"How do we know you aren't going to screw us over?" Serendipity demanded. Silent Bob nodded, agreeing with her.  
  
"Bartleby killed me. Yeah, I loved him...I still do. But it's payback time." 


	12. Buying a Ticket out of This Place

AN: No need to state it again. If you've read this far, you know what I'm gonna say anyway.  
  
ChApTeR 12  
  
Bartleby ran into the roadside liquor store as Tzipora sat dozing in the truck. Now that he was able to drink again,  
he had the urge to do it every waking moment. He bought some Jack Daniels, a bottle of vodka, and a case of beer  
before returning to the truck. He wondered how he would be able to smuggle it aboard the train. Setting the brown  
paper bag on the seat between himself and Tzipora, he started the truck and finished the rest of the remaining twenty  
miles to the train station. In case The Gang was here, he'd have to disguise himself and the girl somehow. Bartleby  
woke Tzipora up and told her to run in and buy some sunglasses and makeup. "Why in the hell would I buy that?"  
she asked groggily. She stretched as she climbed out of the cab of the truck, accepting the money Bartleby handed  
to her. "Wait a minute, where'd you get money?"  
  
"I found it on the side of the road," he told her. In all actuality, he had killed the liquor store owner by breaking his  
neck and stole the money out of the cash register. But his little girlfriend didn't need to know that. The hundreds of  
dollars he had "found" would keep her from questioning him. "Go on, I'll park this somewhere," he said, watching  
her walk inside the station. J.Lo booty. That's what they called it right? That's what she had. Mmm, maybe he'd do  
something there on the train trip back to Red Bank. Bartleby felt that tightening of his pants again and cursed aloud.  
Stupid body and its stupid hormones... He parked the truck at the far end of the parking lot and left the keys in the  
ignition. He wasn't gonna use the truck any more, might as well leave it for someone who was going to. Putting all his  
booze in one bag he headed off toward the main door. As he was walking through it, he thought he saw someone   
inside who looked like...Nah, it couldn't be. No way in Heaven it could be. Bartleby shook his head. Maybe some  
remaining effects of his hangover had made him see Loki. Loki wasn't here; Loki was dead. He had killed him. 'Don't  
think about it!' Bartleby commanded himself.   
  
Tzipora met him outside the main door with some sunglasses, and to Bartleby's surprise, a blonde wig. "Okay, about  
that wig," she started explaining as he placed it on his head, "I found that in the garbage." He glared at her. "But it was  
in a clean area...of the trash. Does that make sense?" Bartleby nodded, and finished adjusting his hair. They both   
pulled on their pair of mirrored sunglasses, and Tzipora pulled some makeup out of her pocket. "Purses so do not  
work for me. I'm always forgetting them somewhere." She had pulled out some brown eyeshadow and started   
smearing it all over her cheeks. Then, she pulled out a little mirror to smooth out the color. "Ta-da, instant tan. Your  
turn." Bartleby complied, and let her rub the powder on him. Tzipora stifled a little laugh, then said, "Oh, my Lord,  
you've gotta see this." She handed him the mirror, and he looked at himself. He chuckled, then shook his head.  
  
"Can we say, 'Surf's up?' Let's go get our tickets. I need to get back to the East Coast."  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Loki whispered to Bethany, "That's him. Look. Over at the ticket counter." Bethany looked in the direction the former  
angel--ghost?--had described.   
  
"That is Bartleby?" she asked incredulously. It didn't look anything like the other former angel--human?--to the Last  
Scion. The man looked more like a California beach bum.   
  
"Definitely him. What a shitty disguise. What'd he do, pull it out of the trash?" Loki joked. The two they were watching  
walked away from the counter. "Quick, get over there. We need to see where they're headed." Bethany and Rufus  
ran to the counter, while Loki and the rest of the entourage secretly followed their targets. They first went into a small  
store and bought a bookbag, for some reason. Then Serendipity noticed what they were placing in the bookbag.   
Bartleby and Tzipora were transferring alcohol from the brown paper bag to its new carrier. "Bartleby, you drunk,"  
Loki mumbled under his breath. But of course, he'd want to drink as much as possible. Millennia of no boozing will  
do that to you. Damn, what did Loki do as soon as he was human? Get plastered. Oh, but they were on the move   
again. Rufus ran up to them, followed closely by Bethany. "They're on a train to New York. We got tickets for all.   
Let's move." Jay and Silent Bob went ahead and got on the train only a little while after Bartleby and Tzipora, and   
when the coast was clear, waved for the others to come aboard.   
  
"Why, for the love of God, does it always end up with us on a train?" Bethany complained, taking a seat in their  
compartment.   
  
"'Cuz that's just our destiny; we are destined to keep our souls moving, for fear that if we do stop, life will no longer  
have meaning because we are at a standstill. The soul must experience new stimuli, new experiences, to be content."  
Jay looked from stunned face to stunned face as he concluded his little speech. "Or maybe 'cuz none of us want to   
take a plane." A collective groan pursued. "What-the-fuck-ever. We're going to New York!" 


	13. What Does God Watch on T.V.?

ChApTeR 13  
  
The minute Bartleby and Tzipora were in there private compartment, he ripped open the bookbag  
and pulled out a large bottle of wine and immediately started guzzling down its contents. Tzipora  
stared at him. Something wasn't right. It seemed all her new dream guy did was drink. And at the  
rate he was drinking now, he'd be drunk in half an hour. Really drunk. Her last boyfriend had been  
a drinker too, and he had hit her. She had stayed with him for a while after the first few slaps and  
punches, because she thought, maybe he'd get better and realize what he was doing was wrong.  
But it had only gotten worse. Finally her friends made her see that what he was doing was very,  
very wrong and that he didn't love her. They had turned him in to the police. She was rather  
depressed, thinking of him, when she had first met Bartleby. He had seemed to be such a nice  
guy, too. Now, he was just turning into another Billy. She closed her eyes to stop the tears from  
coming, and leaned back against the seat. When she opened them, only a minute later, the bottle  
of wine had been finished off, and Bartleby had started in on the case of beer. She sighed, laying  
on the seat, and he asked defensively, "What?"  
  
"Nothing. Keep drinking, you deserve it," she told him, and he happily obliged. Too happily. If  
he even laid a finger on her in violence, she turn him into Bethany and all them. No matter how  
much she loved him, or how much he said he loved her. She'd...betray the man that had given  
himself to her. Completely. 'Don't think about it,' she told herself, turning over so she wouldn't   
have to look at him. Somehow, she fell asleep and when she awoke she found Bartleby passed  
out on the seat opposite her. Almost all of the alcohol he had purchased was gone. "You're  
seriously gonna have to piss when you wake up," she whispered, quietly leaving the room to  
go to the bathroom herself. On the way there, she saw Jay and Silent Bob in the hall. Scared,  
she dove into the nearest compartment and slammed the door behind her. Inside, she found   
a couple seriously making out. Like third-base making out. "Um, hi. How are you folks?" she  
smiled at them. The woman's scream echoed in her head for quite a while.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
"So how do you propose we find them, Rufus? Search every compartment in every car?"  
Serendipity asked, staring at him. For an Apostle this man was rather idiotic. And loud. Very  
loud.   
  
"Hell no. All we gotta do is use some divine inspiration to guess which compartment is theirs,  
Muse. Surely you can do that," he mocked.  
  
Serendipity glared back at him. "Duh. I can still inspire others...though I'm not sure this is the  
kind of inspiration I'm used to. Bethany! Come here a minute."  
  
"Nah, you guys don't need inspiration. I can tell you what room he's in," Loki said, waving  
Bethany away. "I mean, jeez, it's not that hard. He's in Car 5, Room 8." He rolled his eyes,  
annoyed by their stupidity.  
  
"How can you tell us that?" Rufus asked. "When Metatron was here, he said he couldn't  
help us find him now that Bartleby is human."  
  
"Yeah, Metatron can't. I can. I mean, hello, am I Metty? No," Loki sighed. "Shall we beat  
the shit out of him now, or wait until Jay and Bob get back?"  
  
Simultaneously, Rufus, Serendipity, Bethany, and Loki agreed, "Now."  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
God stared down at the train, silently chuckling to Herself. She could talk as loud as She wanted  
here, but by nature, She was the quiet type. This whole Bartleby situation could've been taken  
care of very easily by Her before it had even started except for what Azrael and his three goons  
had done to Her. The present problem was easily within Her power as well, but the movies at  
the theater were sucking majorly these days, and She wanted something with romance, action,  
and a little fantasy thrown in--Star Wars wasn't coming out for a few more months, at the least--  
so She decided to watch how the Last Scion and her gang would handle this. The presence of   
Loki just added a little spice to it. It was turning out to be quite the hit in Heaven. There were some  
angels who watched in around the clock. Some jokingly called it "Dogma II: The Return of Loki,"  
or some other such babble.   
  
God sat back in Her La-Z-Boy recliner (with massager!) with Her bag of popcorn and two-  
liter bottle of Pepsi to see how this would all end. It had been a good show so far, with few  
dull moments. Of course, when they were sleeping, She would watch something else. Like  
Spongebob. That show was a big hit in Heaven, too. She sat up quickly when she saw that the  
Scion group was approaching Bartleby's door. Gasping, She grabbed her phone and dialed   
Metatron's number. "Oh, my Me, are you watching this?"  
  
"Yes, I am. This isn't fair. How come Loki could help them and I couldn't? We're both angels,"  
Metatron whined.  
  
God sighed deeply, then said, "You are the voice of Me. You're a tad more important to Me than  
Loki is--though you're all important to Me," She added quickly. "I don't know what I'd do if I   
lost you."  
  
"All right, I see Your point," Metatron said disparagingly, though God could hear the joy in his  
voice for being told he was 'muy importante.' "I'll let You go, I wanna see how this ends."  
  
"Ooh, Me too! Gottagonowbyeclick!" God hung up the phone, then stared intently at the screen.  
This was going to be quite the finale. 


	14. Showdown on the Jersey Express

ChApTeR 14  
  
Jay and Silent Bob met up with Bethany, Rufus, Serendipity, and Loki in Car 2, as they were heading back  
to (surprise, surprise) the dining car, once again. A three-second update by Rufus informed the duo what  
was about to go down so they would know what their roles would be. "Fucking security guards?" Jay   
whined, adjusting his hat. "Now, what the shit is that? They get to kick some ass, and we get to stand  
here like fucking retarded motherfuckers." Silent Bob gaped at Jay. "What? Oh, the swearing? Screw  
that goody-two-shoes bit, it wasn't helping me get Bethany in the sack." Silent Bob sadly shook his head.  
Well, this tangent had lasted longer than most.   
  
"Just make sure no one interrupts us, all right?" Loki asked. "This is going to be a long, complicated ritual,  
and I don't need anyone--"  
  
"Including you two," Bethany interrupted.  
  
"--barging in and making me lose my place," Loki finished.  
  
They worked their way through the other two cars in a parade formation, Bethany and Loki marching side  
by side in front, followed by Serendipity and Rufus, and taking up the rear were Jay and his hetero-lifemate,  
Silent Bob. Anyone who saw them marching down the hall was quick to step out of the way. As they   
entered Car 5, they found it eerily quiet. Even the noise of the wheels on the track were muted. "Room 8,  
right?" Bethany asked nervously. Loki nodded. As she reached out to grab the door handle, her hand was  
stopped, as if it had hit a wall. "...the Hell?"  
  
"That's where you're going soon, foolish mortal," Azrael hissed. "You are not going to fuck this up for me.  
You are not ruining my dream again." He grabbed her, spun her around and held a knife to her throat. "If  
any one of you so much as blinks, the Scion gets it. I'm not joking." He pushed the blade slightly into her  
skin, a thin line of red appearing soon after. None of the gang moved. They knew there would be dire   
consequences if the Last Scion ceased to be. Suddenly, the door behind Azrael opened and Bartleby   
stumbled out, roughly bumping into Azrael and Bethany. Azrael, thrown off balance, pulled the knife away  
from Bethany long enough for her to run to her protectors. "Shit," he mumbled.   
  
A look of drunked confusion crossed Bartleby's face. "Azrael, what in th' Hell are you doing here?" he  
slurred, stumbling slightly with the gentle swaying of the train. "I though' you were in Hell."   
  
"Why the Hell aren't you in New Jersey yet?!" Azrael screamed at him. "Why is all this still here? Why  
can you never finish anything right?"   
  
Bartleby reeled back. "Hey, hey, now, calm the fuck down. I'm gettin' there, I'm gettin' there. Oh, hey,  
have you met my girlfriend? Zippy? Zippy, come on out here and meet my frien' Azrael."  
  
"I've already met the douche bag," a soft voice said from within the compartment. Tzipora suddenly   
appeared in the hallway. "Fuck," she said under her breath.  
  
"Well, aren't you looking beautiful this afternoon," Azrael said, coming up behind her, pulling her hair  
back from her neck. Bartleby stared at them, attempting to figure out what was going on; Bethany and  
the others hoped to God no one would have to die besides the demon. Azrael planted a soft kiss on   
her neck, then whispered in her ear, "You know, Bartleby's not as experienced as I am. He's only been  
a man for a few hours. I've been one for millennia. I can show you a good time." Tzipora rolled her eyes.  
  
"Quit hittin' on my woman, Azrael!" Bartleby shouted, slowly swinging a fist at the demon's head. Azrael  
easily blocked the shot. He couldn't, however, block the bullet shot from Silent Bob's pistol.   
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Soon after Azrael was "dead," Rufus knocked Bartleby unconscious with a few well-aimed punches to the  
head. Tzipora's hands and feet were tied and a large piece of duct tape placed over her mouth so she   
couldn't interrupt the ritual. The six who were allowed into the small room took their positions while Jay  
and Silent Bob took their positions outside the door as guards. "You guys have the candles?" Loki asked.  
Serendipity nodded and handed them to the former angel. "Okay, I need someone at his feet, and the  
other two at his hands. I'll be at his head, forming the cross." Loki then handed each of them a long, white  
candle. He lit them with a lighter, and told them to hold the candles in their right hands, in front of them,  
but not with arms fully outstretched.   
  
"This seems kinda...Pagan," Bethany commented from Bartleby's left side.   
  
"Yeah, I know. The Church stole a lot of things from the Druids and Wiccans without ever properly   
thanking them." Loki took a deep breath. "Here we go...I need each of you to pour a little wax on him."  
They did, and Tzipora winced a little. Hot wax hurt when it was poured on you. "Now, close your  
eyes and chant these words: 'Bartleby, of Heaven and of Earth, return to your angelic form and be evil  
no longer. Amen.' Got it?" They nodded. Serendipity, Rufus, and Bethany started chanting quietly  
while Loki began the Latin ritual.   
  
Azrael appeared on the seat next to Tzipora. He sighed dramatically, then moaned, "This will never do.  
Oh, and stop killing me, please." He pulled the knife out again and plunged it deep within Bartleby's  
chest. The candles went out and everyone seemed frozen in place. "What?" Azrael asked innocently.  
"I just realized he never did anything horribly wrong as a mortal. He's going to Heaven, and by my   
count, that'll destroy existence. Bye!" and with that, Azrael disappeared in a puff of smoke. Bartleby's  
red human blood was seeping into the carpet. 


End file.
